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I don't much care for human nature unless it's all candied over with art.

10/03/2010

I'm finally going to confront a serious fear.

PUPPETS.
In descending order of most terrifying:

10.  The skeletons from Jason and the Argonauts

This was one of the first action-adventures I was enthralled with as a child. The sequence where Jason battles the skeleton army was the first time in a movie-going experience that I ever felt viscerally concerned for the safety of a fictional character.  The scuttling, menacing design of the skeletons and their swarming execution makes them some of the creepiest puppets on film.

9.  George/Kuato from Total Recall.


What could I possibly say that this picture does not already describe?  

8.  Whatever-the-fuck these things are:


They're not from a movie but they may be part of what initially instilled my phobia of puppets.  Hugely popular when I was a kid, these palm sized rubber masks have finger holds in the back enabling you to animate them in HORRIBLE AND UNCEASINGLY UNNATURAL WAYS.  I think there may have been an incident where a bully chased me around the school yard with them but I'm not sure if that actually happened: it could have just been one of  the many terrible, puppet-induced nightmares I've dreamed.

7The tree in Poltergeist.


 Thank you, Steven Spielberg, thank you from the bottom of my heart for making me live a life where I am afraid of TREES. 

6.  Humpty Dumpty in the 1933 black and white adaptation of Alice in Wonderland.

I couldn't bring myself to rewatch this clip in order to take a proper screencap so this blurry image will have to do.  The black recesses of its eyes show an inner circle of hell, I'm sure. Never mind the gash of a mouth. Jesus.

5.  The Terminator

It's not his fault, he's just built that way.

4.  Fairchild from Mr. Roger's Neighbourhood


Not only does he look like an ICU burn victim, the way he moves is all wooden and puppet-y and makes his hands look like they're reaching for your throat.  Ugh.  Another early childhood trauma.

3The Velociraptors from Jurassic Park.


Fuck Steven Speilberg and his puppets.  Seriously.

2.  Satan in the 1984 stop motion animation adaptation of the Adventures of Mark Twain.

You know.  For kids.

1.  Falkor from The Neverending Story

Most people would pick the wolf that jumps out of the walls over everyone's favourite and supposedly loveable luck dragon.  But what many do not realize is that Falkor is evil.  And real.  And coming to get you.  Apologies for not including a picture.  I just can't.

1 comment:

Miss to Mrs said...

Fairchild freaks me the hell out! Always has. Freaked me out so bad that I thought he was a she for all these years.

And don't get me started on those damn dinosaurs. Steven Spielberg there is a special place in hell for you just for creating those things!